It has been 242 days since the woman of my life, Lakota Blue, died owing to the overwhelming effects of Metastatic Breast Cancer.
I was not ready for these particular flavors of grief. Such waves can distort you as a person and at the same time expose you — to yourself and other people. One death might equal many little deaths.
I struggle to accept this new reality fully — at my core more alone than I have ever been. My day job is punishing — at Amazon of all places. I keep it because that is what I have and cannot just ditch it as I would jobs when I was a younger more stupid man.
This loss of mine has led to learning via my “exposure.” I have addressed habits good and bad, taken stock of things and tried not to be grim to myself. I am making new art and have a new attitude. I went to the Picasso show at MOMA and while only a few rooms, it was what I needed. A targeted trip into New York.
I also record new music for Patriarchs in Black, 3 songs I have attended to for the new album.
Unida, all of them located in California, do their thing. I get the group texts even though I am not able to make the rehearsals or jam sessions, whatever it is they are up to.
It is 8:47 on Sunday morning. I have accepted a shift, VET as Amazon calls it in their jargon. Voluntary Employment. The workers call it Overtime.
